When a Marriage Breaks, the Mizbeach Cries

The Gemara at the end of Maseches Gittin says:

דאמר רבי אלעזר כל המגרש אשתו ראשונה אפילו מזבח מוריד עליו דמעות, שנאמר: וזאת שנית תעשו כסות דמעה את מזבח ה׳ בכי ואנקה, מאין עוד פנות אל המנחה ולקחת רצון מידכם. ואמרתם על מה? על כי ה׳ העיד בינך ובין אשת נעוריך אשר אתה בגדתה בה, והיא חברתך ואשת בריתך.

Rabbi Elazar teaches that when a man divorces his first wife, even the Mizbeach sheds tears. Think about what that means. The place where we bring our korbanos to Hashem is crying. The pain of a marriage breaking apart is so great that the Navi describes the Mizbeach itself as covered with tears. Our offerings don't mean very much if we are betraying the relationships and commitments that Hashem expects us to cherish.

So what is the solution? Perhaps the Torah itself gives us a tremendous insight. In Parshas Ki Seitzei, the Torah discusses divorce. But shortly afterward, the Torah tells us something fascinating about a newly married man: he does not go out to war. For that first year, he is free to be home with his wife. No war, no battle, no outside responsibilities pulling him away. The husband and wife are given time to focus on each other and build a strong foundation for their marriage.

But if we look back at the end of Gittin, that might not seem like much of a solution. If a couple is struggling after 20 or 30 years, they can't literally return to their first year of marriage. That foundation was built decades ago. Or can they?

Elul: Going Back to the Beginning

That brings us to Elul. Elul is all about going back to the beginning. It's about looking at our relationship with Hashem with new eyes and new vigor, correcting our mistakes and saying, "Let's start again." And perhaps this idea doesn't apply only to our relationship with Hashem. Maybe it teaches us something about marriage and every important relationship in our lives.

Ki Seitzei is read during this time of year, and the message fits perfectly. It's been a long year since Rosh Hashanah. Maybe we feel, so to speak, a little "divorced" from Hashem. Maybe we didn't deliver on everything we hoped we would. Maybe we even feel that Hashem didn't deliver on His end—whatever that means. Of course, Hashem did exactly what He was supposed to do. It means that our eyes weren't always able to accept that everything comes from Him and that He knows what is best.

And perhaps the Torah is telling us: Start again. Put aside the battles for a moment. Put aside the distractions. Go back to the foundation.

Hashem Hasn't Changed. We Have.

The Gemara in Rosh Hashanah teaches regarding the words ה׳ ה׳ — Hashem before the chet and Hashem after the chet. The way I understand this is that Hashem hasn't changed. We have.

Hashem's essence is not affected by whether we did a mitzvah today or whether we sinned. Yes, when Jews don't perform mitzvos, when there isn't shalom among us, and when the kavod Hashem in this world is diminished, there are enormous consequences. But Hashem Himself hasn't changed. Our actions changed us. Our mitzvos changed us. Our aveiros changed us. The way we treated Hashem changed us. The way we treated other people changed us.

And Elul gives us the opportunity to change again.

Go Back to Your First Year

Now bring this back to the end of Gittin. A marriage may be struggling. Decades may have passed since that first year. So perhaps the message is: Go back. Remember what brought you together. Remember what you saw in each other. Remember the foundation you started building before life became filled with responsibilities, distractions and battles.

And the same is true with Hashem. We may feel distant. We may feel like the relationship isn't what it once was. But Hashem never divorced us. Hashem never withdrew. We changed.

Through teshuvah, we can say: Hashem, let's go back. Let's return to the foundation. Let's remember who we were supposed to be and rebuild from there.

Anything is possible. And perhaps one day, instead of the tears of the Mizbeach, we will see the Mizbeach rebuilt. We will see the Beis Hamikdash, the Menorah, all the keilim, Yerushalayim and the full revelation of kavod Hashem restored in their greatest splendor. Those tears will become tears of unbelievable simcha.

And it all begins with one word: היום — today. It doesn't even have to be Elul. It doesn't have to be Tishrei. Whenever you are reading this, you can go back to the beginning.

Start today.